Sunday, April 27th, 2003
4:53 am *yawns*
Well it is currently 5:00am but I haven't exactly gone to bed yet...but then again, what's new?!?!
It's been such an exciting night for me:
I threw up waaaaaaaaaaay too many times
I cleaned my bathroom
I washed dishes
I vacuumed the family room
I thought I had screwed up my mother's computer but after spending an hour running Scandisk on it, I gave up and then it magically began working again...
Ummmmmmmmmmmm...yeah not much went on.
Oh my gosh but I did do one important thing...
At like 11:00pm I was talking to Sean on the phone and he managed to get me to leave a message for Roberta at UCLA, asking her to please call me back asap and relaying to her how much I want to recover and how I think UCLA can really help me this time. So that was a huge step in the right direction....let's just all pray now that I can persuade Dr. Strober and everyone there to take me back in...it would be a true miracle but I have hope. That would just make me feel one thousand times better because I'd know that help was on its way.
But who knows what will happen.
I really wish I had a doctor right now...I'm getting very sick and losing a lot of weight and pretty soon I'm just going to have to show up at the Er for a quickfix...again.
*sigh*
My mom is coming home from Las Vegas sometime today and I'm glad, yet dreading her arrival because I need to inform her that we have to call a plumber out to fix my shower (the pipe holding the shower head just snapped and hit me in the head *ouchies* while I was showering a few days ago) and that Bryan (my brother) needs a new tire because one of his is flat...
But hey...at least now her computer is up and running again or else I'd have to spring that piece of bad news on her, too!
Well I'm off to go do whatever the hell I feel like doing now...maybe it will be sleep...maybe it will be eat...who knows...but I love you all tons and hope you are all happy!
=0)
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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
2:31 am Disgusting...
It is currently after 2:30am right now but I'm up because I'm suffering from severe insomnia as always and also because my mother is in Las Vegas this weekend, leaving me home with just my brother, and he managed to leave me all alone tonight by spending the night at a friend's house. So due to the fact that I'm here all by myself, I'm eating and throwing up like CRAZY and it is driving me mad! I'm to the point where I WISH my brother had stayed home with me tonight because then I wouldn't be engaging in my eating disorder so much. And you know what?
Right before he left, I was standing in the kitchen, pouring loads of ketchup on my hot-out-of-the-oven french fries, and he asked me:
"Amy, are you sure you'll be okay alone tonight?"
It was as if he knew exactly what was going to happen and he was almost concerned about me...how odd considering he never cared about a thing that went on with me before...I mean, yes he IS my twin brother but he has been totally whacked out from drugs and all and he comes from our same dysfunctional family so anger problems arise...but it worries me in a way, when I look so awful and my eating disorder is running wild, that my usually uncaring brother notices my struggles.
How sad.
I'd say I've thrown up about *7* times in the past five hours, and that is just horrifying! I'm so, so sick. And after almost everytime I purge, I have major hypoglycemia five to ten minutes following it, which causes me to feel incredibly nauseated, shaky, dizzy, and have odd vision problems. So then I have to whip out the fruit juice and drink up so I don't pass out on the floor. Fun fun fun.
Another horrible problem that I'm oh-so-often plagued with, is starting to result from the excessive puking: hypokalemia! My favorite!!!! It's such a dandy complication to have because it makes your legs all tingly and unsteady and your arms/hands become numb and you get dizzy when you walk, and oh my gosh I can't leave out the best symptom of low potassium: chest pains and palpitations, signifying cardiac arrhythmias...I mean it is just SOOOOO much fun wondering if I'm going to die in the middle of the night from electrolyte imbalances!!!
((((((((((((((((major sarcasm)))))))))))))))))
Ugh...I've been out of the hospital for barely two whole days and I'm already struggling both emotionally and physically again.
How pathetic.
What was really interesting that I observed after the last time I was throwing up, was that my stomach caves in farther underneath my ribcage...
It is as if I am sucking in my stomach soooooo far that it becomes completely concave and you can literally fit your hands underneath my ribs and hold them, except that I'm not sucking in.
I was looking in the mirror, wondering about the new feature of my stomach and you know what?
It's disgusting...
I AM DISGUSTING.
I look soooooo horrible....so sick...so pale...so young...like I'm 18 going on 12!
I really need some serious help and I'm going to fight as hard as I can for it.
On Monday I'm going to call Roberta at UCLA since stupid Dr. Strober never called me back, and I'm going to beg and plead and do whatever it takes to get an okay from her for me to be placed on the waiting list to get into the program. I'll freakin write an apology letter if I need to!
I'm just becoming more and more fearful that I'm going to die if I don't get REAL help soon, and it is all up to me now, so I'm going to search for it...
Let's just pray that UCLA will understand and believe my commitment to recover and take me back in.
It'd be ideal because that way I know my insurance already covers it.
Awwwwwwwww...I wish I had a magic wand to fix up all of my problems, along with all of yours, too.
We all deserve better than this shit and I strongly believe that we will get through the rough times as long as we hold on to the sense of sanity that says, "keep fighting."
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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
11:20 pm A lovely night
Well I got released from Cottage Hospital around 2:00pm this afternoon after my sudden admittance there yesterday. To sum it all up for you:
My doctor (EX-doctor now since she really doesn't want to handle my care after having to put me back in the hospital again) decided to admit me because she ran an EKG on me at her office and apparently it was really, really bad.
So I skipped the ER trip thank God and went straight to the hospital where my blood was drawn and it was found out that my potassium was horribly low, my chloride was also really low, my CO2 level was high (all these things happen with excessive vomiting), and my heart was messed up from all the electrolyte problems.
After five massive bags of sodium chloride pumping into my veins at a rapid rate, and a huge bolus of potassium chloride, my labs were much better and so my ex-doctor sent me home. YAY!
So here I am now, anxiously awaiting my mother's three day departure starting tomorrow (she's off to Las Vegas again..surprise surprise) and I'm trying to hang in there.
Times are tough but I won't cave in...
I just...won't.
I hope everyone is doing well!
Mwahs!
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Monday, April 21st, 2003
8:06 pm *Scared*
Oh my gosh...I am really scared right now. I have not been doing well at all this past week, eating disorder-wise and so now I'm suffering the consequences...yep. The same, painfully familiar physical issues that always result from excessive purging and lack of nutrition/fluids. But I dragged out all of my courage and set up an appointment to see Dr. Hrach tomorrow at 3:00pm even though I have no clue if she will still handle my situation or if she is even my doctor still, but I need to see someone ASAP because I have never felt this horrible before, as far as I can recall. And I know what she is going to say..."Go to the ER NOW." So that freaks me out because I absolutely cannot stand the ER...it terrifies me to the utmost degree. And then I have to wonder if the Er doctor who sees me will want me to spend many, many hours in the ER trying to correct my MAJOR potassium deficiency or if he will admit me and I don't know what I'll do it that happens and I bet my mother won't even know I'm not home....but that's good because I don't want her to know I'm really sick again...I don't need her abuse right now. And thank God my father gave me my own insurance card, so there is no reason whatsoever why she would have to be contacted if I'm in the ER. Okay, phew...but anyway, so I just need to last till tomorrow and then something has to happen or I'm going to die. Seriously. Die. It's scary. The tingling in my legs is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, and what proves to me even more that my potassium may be lower than it ever has been before, is how numb my hands and arms are...And then there's the chronic dizziness I feel from being dehydrated, which I am positive I am since I've barely been able to catch my breath due to my heart that beats at like rapid rates of 180!!!!!! I try to drink glass after glass of water to bring my heart rate down, but it doesn't work well enough...like at the best, it brings it down to maybe 130 while I'm sitting....omg that's sooooooo bad! My heart is just so messed up in general...it hurts soooooooo much at random times throughout the day, especially if I eat or drink anything which is pretty strange. And one new horrible problem has occurred: I'm been spewing up blood sometimes while I'm throwing up...like bright red blood that scares me half to death! I think I screwed up my esophagus because ever since I started noticing the blood, my throat/esophagus has been like burning nonstop and it's rather uncomfortable. *Sigh* Oh...another weird thing that's been happening is that my blood sugar has been getting sooooooo low for me...I have one of those glucose monitor things and I checked it when I woke up this afternoon at 4:00 and my blood sugar was 44!!!! I was like, ohhhhh crap, so I checked it again and it said 47 so then it clicked in my brain that that was probably why my hands were so shaky and why I was so dizzy, so i actually drank a glass of juice and kept it down. I'm in such bad shape, and as scared as I am to see the doctor tomorrow, I'm sort of content because I know something will be done and that I'll get help for my plummeting health, so that's a really good thing. I don't want to die...I'm not going to let myself die...Even as traumatic as going to the Er is for me, if it makes me feel better then the pain is worth it...
ARG...why can't i just be normal and eat like a regular person and stop throwing up? I truly HATE throwing up but I feel so bloated and sick after eating that I can't really help it...I want to call UCLA and plead my case to get in there, but I'm soooo afraid of what they will think about me...I don't want to look stupid. Man, oh man.....but whatever...once I get my health straightened out, I can search for treatment options.
Okay, sorry for blabbing about my pathetic dying self...
I hope you are all okay!!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((hugs for all))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
12:13 am Poem written April 16th 3:00am lol
Lost Souls
By Amy Robbins
The olden days shine forever
Off snow-peaked hilltops they roll
Gleaming like emeralds
In the summer sun of my soul.
Daisies of desire dance
Amidst the soothing hush of wind
While visions of loveliness
Never cease to end.
Smiles blossom into carefree
Giggles of youth
Protecting hearts of blissful ignorance
From the unspeakable truth.
Hope reveals joy from shield
Of strength within
But even that burning flame
Cannot quench the downpour
Destined to begin.
Droplets of rain fall helplessly
From the blackened sky
Gathering pools of shadows
Where the lilies used to lie.
Ghosts of wickedness
Pass through locked doors without a key
Invading painted bedrooms of little strangers
With an unsightly reign of glee.
With pale fingertips grasping their throats
She screams and he cries
But no one comes to the rescue
Fore neither mommy nor daddy can see the fear
In their desperate childrens’ eyes.
Echoes of thunder crash above while
Lightning strikes over the haunted home
Where both the weak boy and girl
Sob softly as the fleshly demons roam.
Bodies blossom with age
But emotions remain the same
Zombies wander around listlessly
With no real objective or aim.
No more happiness
Or young minds full of glory
Just frightened individuals
Praying there truly is a God
Listening to their sad story.
But even in this period of darkness
Although the light may have flickered
From Heaven’s always to Hell’s never
The dreams of the pure-hearted lead the way
Because memories of the olden days
Shine forever.
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Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
4:54 pm Let's all be proud now...
Guess what?
Last night I actually kept down two cans of V8 juice (nasty but one has 780 mg of potassium) and I swallowed down two potassium chloride pills with them...so that averages out to about 60 meq of potassium, which means I've made major headway in correcting my deficiency so yay! My legs aren't horribly tingly anymore! And I only gained two pounds of water weight from it, putting me at a lovely (uuuuugh but whatever) 103.5-104 pounds. I'm dealing with it, so no worries. But I gotta jet now...just wanted to share the good news with you all! =0)
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Monday, April 14th, 2003
9:17 pm A few hours later today
Sent to Tracy again:
Hey Tracy~
Sorry to e-mail you twice in one day but I've had such a change of heart in the past couple of hours and everything I said before in my earlier letter has changed. I don't know why but it suddenly occurred to me that I'm sick of always feeling like I'm dying and worrying about things that other teenagers have no concern with, and so I'm going to try hanging in here at home for awhile. Like REALLY try. I called the doctor's office today and asked if they could have her call me back when convenient, but she never did so whatever...I'll just call again tomorrow. The reason I want to talk to her is because I would have a way easier time getting back on the road of medical stability if she could just write me a script for some K-tabs or something, so I plan on begging her for that. I'm going to also continue drinking loads of orange juice and eating potatoes for potassium, so maybe, hopefully in a few days my deficiency will be corrected. I am really going to work on cutting down how many times I throw up in a day and try to keep down as much food as possible because I want to stay alive and to live! I'm going to contact my school counselor tomorrow and get the names of some good therapists because I NEED therapy....and more importantly, I WANT it. I'll figure out some way of getting myself to appointments and of paying for it....Plus, my mom says that she really wants me to get my license soon, so she is going to take me to renew my permit this week and obviously, I have to be healthy for that, so yeah...I'm feeling a lot stronger mentally and emotionally and because of that, I'm working on feeling stronger physically, too. I don't know what caused this change in my thinking patterns, but now I'm hopeful....I don't need to live my life in a freakin hospital or treatment center 24/7...I miss life! And you know what? I'm fighting to get it back. I'm determined to get well....I am going to fix up my electrolyte problems, drink more to correct my dehydration, ask my dad about finding a medical doctor on our insurance list, contact a therapist that I can afford to see regularly and who could help me, and take a step back into the real world. So yes, that's my decision: for now, I'm going to do my best to hold on and stop worrying about my effin appearance.... I looked in the mirror today and you know what I saw for the very first time in years? Ugliness...like sheer ugliness because I have no body....I'm all cheekbones and eyes, and oh yes, skin...very pale paper-thin skin. My stomach does not look okay.....it sinks in...like waaaaaaaay in to the point where I can reach my hands up under my ribs and hold them there. When wearing certain clothes, I have to be careful because my ribs can be easily seen through the back of my shirt, along with my WONDERFUL (sarcasm) backbone that sticks out so far I have bruises on my back from sitting up against a desk at school. That's just....wrong. And my arms...I always thought my arms were the flabbiest part of me, but now....ewwwww they look awful. You can actually pinpoint the exact location where my muscle was eaten away by my body....what deterioration!!!! UGH. And my neck.....yuuuuuuuck....Sean can barely stand to look at me anymore because he says my neck is just all skin and tendons....up until today, I had no clue what he was talking about, but now I see. I see what the beast, anorexia has done to me....and I want to fix it....to clean up her godawful mess! It was so weird actually seeing myself the way I guess I really am because I usually see the world through distorted eyes....who knows how long reality will last, but I'm just glad I saw the truth for once.
Today I found hope and I'm truly thankful for that.
There, I rambled enough for now so I'll let you go, but thanks sooooo much for listening!
And oh yeah.....did you ever get a chance to see what I made for you? It's okay if you didn't or if you tohught it was stupid and hate it, but yeah...i was jsut wondering ya know.
Anyway, I hope you had a great day and I'll talk to you later!
=0)
<3 Always,
Amy
So that should have caught you up to date with how I'm doing right now....I want to recover! YES I DO!
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9:16 pm April 14th, 2003--today
Sent this morning to Tracy:
Hey Tracy~
I know that I was supposed to call the doctor today and go see her, but I am too frightened to do anything seeing as to how Sean is out of town until Wednesday, so if I set up an appointment it will be Wednesday or later so he can take me and I can avoid the unpleasant task of explaining to my parents why in the world such a "healthy" young girl like me needs to see a doctor right away. In the meantime, I'm trying to take in as much potassium through dietary sources as I can because I underestimated the severity of my deficiency and now it is really taking its toll on my body...I'd say that I'm at maybe a 2.3-2.5 which is sooooo not good and I'm actually terrified that I'm going to go into cardiac arrest or have a heart attack while I'm sleeping and so after much research, I calculated out that if I drink approximately three and a half cups of orange juice (28 ounces) then I will get 1,575 milligrams of potassium which I figured out to be a little more than 40 meq....that could sooooo help my deficiency, if I can keep it down....so right now I'm downing major orange juice for 110 calories a cup. I wouldn't be so scared if my heart didn't feel so....strange and jumpy...and if my chest pains weren't exacerbating. I'm trying to get a grip on my health....I don't want to die! Ahhhhhhh....
But anyway, I'm off now to lie down...my head is like spinning...I hope this stupid orange juice works!
I hope you are well and happy! =0)
<3 Always,
Amy
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9:14 pm April 7th, 2003
This was written on Monday to Joy, after a very looooooong weekend...it's a really long letter but sums up EVERYTHING that happened:
Hey Joy~
I'm back home now!!!!!!!!! Oh my God...it was the worst weekend of my entire life! I got released from the Ventura County psych ward this afternoon, after spending the whole weekend there on a 5150, 72-hour hold. It was horrible and scared me to death...the people freaked me out sooooo much and the staff was sooooo mean. I ended up meeting two sane people: A 34-year-old girl who had been molested and a 30-year-old alcoholic guy...we actually talked and became friends so that helped me get through the boring hours spent there, but it was still awful. I walked around in the ugly psych ward clothes since the stuff I was wearing was taken away...they wouldn't even let me have my freakin stuffed animal which really made me cry...I looked and felt sooooo bad! And the food was beyond gross, but I knew I had to eat a lot of it or else I'd be there forever, so I ate up. The highlight of my stay was yesterday when we got a new admit named Melanie who was a 39-year-old "crazy" girl claiming she was Jesus and that her son was the devil...she was sobbing because we were "all doomed and going to die" if she didn't get out to save our lives, and so I was holding her hand, trying to support her and let her know everything was going to be okay, and then my friend, who happens to be christian like me, came over and held the girl's other hand, and the three of us just sat there for a minute in silence...then all of a sudden there was a commercial on the TV for christian worship songs and so I broke out into song and then my friend started singing, too and so it became a kodak moment: My friend and I singing about God and the girl crying...but you know what made it so special to me? She stopped crying after about five minutes of us singing and she began to feel better...we actually ended up laughing and having to be separated for "making too much noise" so that really touched me...
But yeah...I'm sure you are wondering how in the world I ended up in a psych ward, so let me explain:
You could tell I was definitely not happy about having to go away to Pacific Shores on Friday morning since I couldn't stop crying hysterically and practically hyperventilating...that didn't stop for hours and so when I got to the treatment center, the director didn't know what to do because I was soooooooooo upset and I wanted to leave, so he literally SCREAMED at me about how immature I was acting and how I needed to stop throwing a tantrum and how selfish I was to be so caught up in my eating disorder and how lucky I was to have the chance to go to such a great facility....and that just made me cry even harder since I cannot stand being yelled, so then the director called the crisis team to come out and five minutes later I was being driven away in an ambulance to the ER...When I got to the ER, I was checked out and these two really nice cops talked to me...one mentioned to me that he was glad I got out of that program because he "didn't like the way the director was talking to me" and because he "got a bad feeling" from that place. I was like, yeah right on officer sir. So then I left the ER and was admitted to the psych ward at the Ventura County medical center, although the guy who admitted me told me that he didn't see why a normal girl like me was being placed on a 5150 there when I was obviously sane and thinking clearly. But so I stayed the weekend and today I was supposed to be transferred back to pacific shores (that was what my mom wanted) but they wouldn't take me back unless I begged and pleaded with them so I told the psychiatrist lady that I just wanted to get off of the psych ward and if the only way that was going to happen was if I went to pac shores, then I'd go, but that I'd much rather go home. Well the lady actually listened to me and so she called my mother and tried to get her to pick me up, but she refused and said she didn't want me at home, so then the lady asked me if I had anywhere else to go besides my mother's house, and so I was like, "ummmmm yeah...my boyfriend would let me stay with him..." and so she called him and talked him into picking me up so an hour later I was in Sean's mustang, driving away from the psych hospital. The first thing I said to him was, "So honey...how do you like my new look?" LOL I looked awful...hadn't showered since thursday, brushed my hair since friday, and I wasn't wearing a bra since it had been taken away due to the fact that I could hurt ymself with the underwire....riiiiiiiiight. Oh, and I could barely walk since my shoes had no shoelaces (they had been pulled out because I might randomly decide to hang myself or something)...so yeah. Fun fun fun.
But right now I am at home with my mom and brother because I managed to talk her into letting me still live here, since I really don't have anywhere else to go for more than a day or two and because she is my conservator and all and is supposed to take care of me...The only thing is that now she says I have to do everything for myself and that she isn't helping me with anything anymore, so I have to find a new medical doctor all by myself and find someone (it'll end up being sean) to take me to appointments, and I have to find some way of getting myself to and from school everyday because she won't drive me there anymore...and about therapy...well she doesn't want to pay for me to see anyone and I sure as hell have no money so I will no longer be seeing a therapist or nutritionist or psychiatrist. ARG that makes me mad because I had jsut found a therapist I really liked, but oh well...can't afford it, plus I don't know how I'd get to my therapy appointments since she won't take me. All I really need is a medical doctor to prescribe my medications to me..just someone I see every month or two for that reason...no more getting weighed every week, or at all for that matter because I can't pay for too many doctor visits and once again, I have no clue how I'd get to my appointments. Hmmm..that's kinda scary but it's how it has to be so I guess I'll deal with it.
And this friday my mom is going to court to become my permanent conservator....interesting how she can be my conservator when she isn't freakin taking care of me!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOSH that pisses me off. And she told me today that she is "never taking me to the ER again" because she will just "let me die"...and that she "doesn't want to hear about it if I'm feeling sick" or something because she "doesn't care if she walks into my room and finds me on the floor dead."
But you know what? It doesn't matter because I'm actually doing okay now. Seriously.
I've been eating and I weighed myself when I came home today, and I've actually been maintaining my weight at about 107-108 pounds, so no worries.
I really want to take GOOD care of myself now and I'm going back to school, starting tomorrow so I hope things work out okay.
But I've been blabbing on and on for like ever, so I'm really sorry because this e-mail is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper long, but I wanted to update you on everything!
I miss you sooo much and oh my gosh, I wanted to thank you soooo freakin much for coming to see me on Friday during my time of need....that meant soooooooooo much to me..sorry if I freaked you out, though...all those times you thought you had seen me at my worst moments of anxiety...lol...I'm sure this last time topped them all. How sad....but anyway, I hope you are doing well and that everything is chill in your life!
<3,
Amy
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9:09 pm Written shortly after the last letter
This was written on the 4th to my other favorite nurse at the hospital, Tracy:
Hey Tracy~
Okay here is the latest: I met with the therapist lady and I LOVE her and she basically told my mom and me a plan of action....So tonight my mom is taking me straight to the Er when she comes home from work and then I'm going to be admitted from there....then I'm going to get medically stable so that I can go to this residential treatment center called pacific shores in ventura that my insurance will cover.....you just have to be stable to go, so they wouldn't take me right now. So yeah, if everything works out as planned then I'll be back in the hospital tonight so don't worry, okay?!?! I'm not going to die...everything is fine...I'm getting help soon. But I have to go now and prepare myself for the lovely er........uuuuuuuuugh.........so hopefully I'll talk to you soon...when are you working next?? If I'm in the hospital and you are working, come see me, k?!!!11 Please!
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9:03 pm Sent April 4th, 2003
I have not written in here for a looong time for various reasons and I feel that the best way to portray what has happened to me these past few days is to post up a couple of letters that I sent to certain people about how I was doing...
This was sent to one of my favorite nurses at the hospital, Joy on 4/04/03:
Hey Joy~
Oh my gosh you are going to kill me...I'm doing horribly...worse than ever!!!!!! It saddens me actually. As soon as I got used to being back home again, I totally freaked out and became overwhelmed and my eating disorder took over! I began messing with my TPN and unhooking myself and dumping the bag out because I wanted to lose weight, not maintain it. I continued my pattern of eating and throwing up an average of six times per day and so my body began to deteriorate again, the way it always does. I've lost almost nine pounds since I left the hospital, putting me at a hefty 104.5 pounds that I'm quickly bringing down each day...my potassium is low and I know this because I can feel that lovely oh-so-familiar tingling in my legs and the numbness of my hands...I'm soooooo dehydrated and it's pretty severe because the skin on my face is sooooooo freakin dry it's like practically flaking off...my heart is beating all wacko and has been hurting a lot more with each passing day as my potassium deficiency exacerbates...my health is soooo bad and I feel soooo sick again but my eating disorder is like running my life and I can't stop it!!!!!!!! I HATE the TPN and there is just no way that I can bring myself to letting it run through my vein...I don't want to absorb all of those calories and sugar and fats! And everything gets more complicated because I saw Dr. Hrach today and she was fed up with me...She is under the impression that I have way more control over my life than I do and so she just told me to take in the TPN and that it would fix my problems. I told her that I just couldn't and that I knew she couldn't possibly understand my logic behind that but it was my eating disorder making decisions for me....And do you know what she said??? This just made me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy.....riiiiiiight: "You're not going to last more than a few days if you don't get the TPN....you are going to die." Hmmm thanks doctor for having hope, gosh. And then she drew some blood and I left. She sent me home to DIE! Maybe she thought I'd like give the TPN a chance after talking to her or something, but that obviously didn't happen. Tonight I just told my nurse lady that she didn't even need to bother hooking me up to the TPN because I don't want it. I feel like my doctor has given up on me! She's going to let me die....I really, really don't want to die but I seriously can't stop my eating disorder behaviors and urges...my mom is trying to contact this hospital in Iowa that treats eating disorders to get me inpatient there but the problem is whether or not I can live long enough to get into the program...like by the time they can get me in, it might be too late. I should have explained to the doctor that I'm trying to find a good inpatient treatment place that will take me, but sutpid me forgot to mention that and so my doctor thinks I'm pretty hopeless. Great....this situation is just soooooooo wonderful. But don't worry because I talked to Sean for like hours about everything and he says that even if my doctor has given up on me and is willing to let me die, he isn't....so in a few days when my potassium deficiency turns from serious (right now) to majorly life-threatening (then) he is going to take me to the ER and the people there can hook me up with some fluids and potassium chloride....and check out my heart to make sure I'm not going to have a sudden heart attack or go into cardiac arrest....So I won't let myself die....I can feel when my potassium is like REALLY bad, like 2.2 or something and right now it's just like maybe a 2.8 or 2.9 so not THAT horrible. When my heart starts throbbing ALL the time, I'll know I need to get potassium asap...I'll take care of myself so don't freak out! I just wish my doctor could have done something besides tell me I'm dying and send me on my way, but oh well...she doesn't understand....hardly anyone does. My disease is super complex and so I don't blame the world for not understanding me more, but still...I'm really sick and I seriously can't help it, so someone should do something and help me! I really wanted her to help me, but she just made me feel totally hopeless by giving up on me. I don't want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh but I don't know what to do....I'm really upset by this whole thing...it makes me depressed to be so sick again but I can't help myself...I just can't. But it's okay....I'll be fine because Sean is going to take care of me and make sure I stay alive......dang I'm scared.....what if like I underestimate the severity of my condition and just drop dead when I'm puking one of these days...oh my gosh....I'm really screwed up...okay okay I need to breathe and relax and go take some Ativan now...I'm sorry for driving you crazy with my lack of progress in recovering and with my health issues but it makes me feel better having you to talk to...thanks so much for listening!!!!!!!!! I really appreciate it! I miss you...
<3,
Amy
(Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
1:13 pm *sigh*
I don't even know where to begin.
I'm doing HORRIBLY.
Like I've really hit rock bottom at this stage in my eating disorder, even more so now than ever before.
I'm still getting the TPN every night and I hate it! But let's just say that it's practically non-existent (haha)if you know what I mean!
My weight has gone down to 105.5 pounds since Friday afternoon when I left the hospital...at :::::::::gasps:::::::: 113.8 pounds so yeah, I'm aware that is a lot of weight to have lost but I can't really say how it happened...I just don't know. Depression does wonders for an anoretic in terms of decreasing appetite and increasing the need to sleep and therefore have most of the day occupied.
I see the medical doctor tomorrow....shit.
I'm going to have to boost up my weight magically somehow before my appointment at 4:15pm or else I'm in serious trouble. But that won't be hard because sadly enough, I'm super experienced in that area.
What makes it more complicated is that I know my doctor will draw blood from me and check various labs so I'm also going to have to create a sudden potassium increase in my body or it's uh-oh time.
That will be difficult to do but oh well...I've handled major challenges before.
Man, I am soooooooooooooo badand I really can't help it anymore.
But don't worry because I DO realize the direction I'm headed in and I've already started the research on inpatient (not stupid residential ugh) eating disorder treatment centers in the country...
What fun times lie ahead for me...
*sigh*
